Gravy165’s blog

So last Wednesday me and my dad took a motorcycle trip to Murphy, which is about an hour west of Franklin. It was a cute little town! We went to check out the Ashley furniture store, which was closed up for good, so instead we went downtown for some pizza and walked around taking pictures. I had fun, it is nice to get out of Franklin once in awhile and explore a different town. And the scenery on the way was certainly beautiful, I wish I was able to take pictures. Autumn has definitely become my favorite time of the year, with the leaves changing and all the store decorated with pumpkins, who would not love it?

On Saturday, I was able to get out of Franklin again! Me, Ryan, his friend from work and his girlfriend took a trip to Asheville. I had alot of fun, it's so weird to be with people other than just Ryan. We went to the mall, ate at Cheddars which is pretty yummy, went to the Halloween store, then headed to the movies. We say Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in 3D! It was pretty cool in 3D. I was expecting more things popping out however. Nothing really..came at us. I thought that's what 3D was all about. Also, those glasses left me with quite a headache. Still had fun though!

Asheville 10-10 007

Now I am focused on getting a new job. I've just about had it with Kmart. I can not stand working for such a horrible company. I applied at Walmart tonight and will be looking into a couple different places. I am wondering if I were to be offered a full time job in Sylva, if it would be worth it to travel that far for work. Therefore, I am considering applying for a job in Sylva if nothing works out in Franklin. However, in the meantime, I am using alot of positive thinking! Wish me luck!

So I realized I have no friends. Yes, there are people that I call my friends, but I have no true friends. I miss everyone in Florida, and if I did have true friends, they would be it, but I've only seen them once in almost two years. I sometimes wonder if they even care that I'm gone. They have talked about coming to visit me but it's never happened. I can't really blame them though, I've only been back once. But I've pretty much lost touch with everyone. I talk to them every now and then but it's not the same. They are not there when I need someone to talk to, except maybe one whom I often have long conversations about our relationships with. However, I want someone I can hang out with here. I don't think I will have much luck with friendship in Franklin. It feels like if you didn't go to Franklin High School, then you don't belong here. Everybody know everybody in this rinkydink town, and nobody knows me. Not that I really care, I don't want to know anybody really, but there is a feeling of being left out. This feeling is the reason of why I sometimes can't handle hanging out with Ryan and his friends. I feel out of place so I just drift off into my thoughts and feel very alone. Maybe if I were loud and obnoxious and drank alot, I would fit in around here, but I'd rather be shy, quiet, and alone than pretend to be someone I'm not. I suppose the only thing I can do for now is to hold on to the people I do have. I just miss my home so much. :( 

Fall is almost here, my favorite time of the year. I associate fall with happiness, which is why I'm so excited for it to arrive. However, next comes wintertime, which I associate with grumpiness. That is subject to change though! I love fall! The weather, the leaves, the atmosphere, the holidays. North Carolina has helped me to appreciate the seasons more, I never really experienced "seasons" before. I think it's the change I like. I am very much a routine person but sometimes subtle changes are needed. And the anticipation is even more fun!

I am slowly becoming really happy again. I have a problem that I'm trying hard to fix, and I won't be truely free and happy until it's resolved. I also still get sad about past situations from time to time, it's hard to let go and I don't feel like I'm completely trying to put it in the past. Maybe I'm not completely okay with it? I will continue working through it though and one day I think everything will be just a-okay. My mind is my enemy, it really is. But we're trying to get along. It just takes time.

My memory amazes me sometimes. My memory seems to be really really strong when it comes to Ryan. I remember the good times and the bad times very clearly. I remember exact sentences he has said to me from more than a year ago, I can relive our first date so accurately. This comes convenient at many times. Don't tell me what you said, I know what you said. When it comes to other people..well, I know what we talked about...can't remember exactly what was said... but when it's Ryan, I can remember when it was, where it was, and who said what. I don't know if this is normal, but it just seems kind of insane sometimes. Maybe I'm only really comparing to Ryan who claims his memory is crap. Anyway, this doesn't help me much in resolving my problem.

I have alot to work on....

I can say I'm doing good though. I'm doing really good.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
-Wayne Dyer

I always make posts when I'm sad so I thought I'd switch it up and write one while I'm feeling good. The thing is though, I have nothing to say.

Ok I am reconsidering what I want to do with my life. Radiography sounds like a good deal, only two years of school with pretty good pay. Seems easy enough. But radiography...that's not really me. I was reading some papers that had everything the students needed to do for thier clinicals and I read the word "patient" and that's what gave me second thoughts. I mean, I knew I had to deal with patients, but when I was reading what I would have to do it really didn't interest me. I have always pictured myself with a 9-5 office job for some reason. Something that doesn't deal with a whole lot of people. No customers and no patients. I have alot of thinking to do now..growing up is so hard. I'm not freaking out though. Better to not know what you want to do then be doing something you hate, right? I am just glad I will always have a backup. I feel accomplished being a Certified Pharmacy Tech. Somewhere out there is a full time job with decent enough pay. It's out there waiting for me, just not at Kmart. In the meantime I am still hoping to get full time at Kmart, then when I feel like I am ready and have enough experience I will venture out and try other pharmacies.

Working in the Kmart pharmacy basically sucks. Believe it or not, but it's crazy busy. We have one pharmacist everyday (two on Monday mornings) and about two techs a day. Each day, the pharmacist types in the prescriptions, one tech (Debra) counts some and deals with all of the customers problems (insurance crap and stuff like that). I am left to sticker all the drugs that come in the order (about 8 to 10 totes of drugs), put the order away, ring up the customers, and count most of the scripts that need to be counted, while trying to keep everything flowing and organized. I work my booty off. Kmart recently hired a very old, very slow pharmacist. When he is working, all hell breaks loose. On the days when he's working, I am dead by 7:30. I have literally almost broke down in tears a couple times, one day I swear I was having a panic attack. I don't know what the heck he spends his time doing. He doesn't really know how to do anything. Debra is doing his job, typing in the new presciptions. While I am away at the register he is at the counter mixing everything up so I come back to a pile of disorganized papers. The counter piles up with scripts to fill. I am running back and forth counting the customers prescription when they come in because that's the only time I can find to count. The customers become irrate. Debra becomes irrate. Old man pharmy is cussing at the customers. I want to cry/die. It just really really sucks. I really can't give a full description on how much it sucks. I am hoping everyday to go into work and hear news that he's quitting. It's taking far too long.  Ugh...Kmart is the worst. But I guess that's enough for my work venting.

I am really enjoying school! I dropped my dreadful English class. I am doing well in my other classes. Just the feeling of being in school is nice. I was sitting in Spanish class today, Ryan by my side, everything all good, and I thought "this is nice". I enjoy learning. High school was more of a "let's just get this over with" kind of thing. College is more of a "I actually want to learn" kind of thing. I feel fancy. :)

So everything in my life is good. Work could use some improvement but I don't expect much from that anyway. Everything else is just so..good. I think it has to do with the weather. I love beautiful weather, I love driving home with my sunroof open and my music blasting, I love not crying myself to sleep at night, I love being happy, I love my family, I love my dogs, I love my boyfriend, I love that my dad is coming home soon, I love bike rides, I love long walks with Ryan, I love yummy food, I love having money, I love my car, I love my room, I love dreaming about the future, I love myself, I love my life.

I am still working on things but right now everything is seeming pretty perfect.

"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."
 - Peace Pilgrim

Is that a real name?

Finally got my test scores back from my Certified Pharmacy Tech test. 93%. :) I knew I passed already but I was excited to see my high score. I got my reimbursement for what I paid for the test and got a measly little raise. I wasn't expecting much from Kmart however my paycheck this week was noticeably higher than the last paycheck. Soon it will be time to look for another job since Kmart is the worst company in the world to work for! I'm not in any rush right now though.

I am really enjoying being back in school. I love my Spanish class. Even though 95% percent of the students in my class are high school students, it's waaay different from what I remember my high school Spanish class being like. I'm actually learning this time! The instructor actually knows how to teach! It's awesome. English is confusing as crap which is why I have been putting off. Computer and Psychology are so easy though. Me and Ryan both feel like we are less busy now that we started school, it's weird, but soo nice.

As for me and Ryan, things have seemed to go back to perfect. I am reaaally hoping it stays that way. It's almost like I don't want to let the past go because sometimes I still have doubts. On the other hand, I just want to completely forget anything bad ever happened. I don't know what to do..continue trying to talk to Ryan about it no matter how much it drives him crazy..or just force myself to forget it, which may be possible. I still have concerns but I think I could let those concerns go..it's not really anything too serious. I think I'll be okay. Someone tell me I'll be okay.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

...you don't have to read them.

I don't know why I'm crying. But I'm crying harder than I have in a while. I'm tired of being alone in my room while I cry. I want someone here to hold me. I don't know why I even started crying. I think it was after Ryan told me his plans for tomorrow and none of it involved me. I miss him. I just wished it seemed like he missed me as much. I might be so sad cause I feel like I'm never going to see him after work anymore. He's decided to go to the gym every morning which requires him to go to bed early and wake up early. And I'll be here..wondering what he's doing..trying to figure out if he's lying to me or not.. I wish I didn't just assume everything is a lie. I know it's not but then there's always a part of me trying to figure out the truth, even if the truth is what I was told. It doesn't really make sense, I know, and it doesn't make much sense in my head either. Oh well, maybe this gym thing won't last long. He says alot of stuff...and doesn't usually stick with much... He's gotten better at that though... so maybe the gym thing will stick.... I'll see him at school I guess...and on the weekends... Is it bad that I want to be with him all the time? I wish I wasn't so obsessed. I guess I've always been a bit obsessed with boys. But now I've actually found one that likes me back! Whoooa weird. Anyhoot, maybe me seeing him less will make things so much better when I actually see him? But things are already good when I see him. It's when I don't see him which makes me crazy. And back to the obsession thing... I wish I wasn't so obsessed... I wish I didn't feel like I'm being demanding or controlling. I'm just so scared. I'm so scared something else is going to happen and my heart will be broken. I'm scared that I'm being toyed with. I'm scared to trust someone so much. I want to let go of the past and start over but I think about it everyday. It doesn't bother me as much anymore..but it still makes me...bleeeh. I was started to get happy though. I was angry at times, but happy. And then Ryan started getting sad. And now I feel like it's all my fault. But then I think why am I blaming this on me? Cause maybe he's only sad that I was sad but he made me sad in the first place. Am I placing too much blame on him? I don't think I should be blamed for anything, but that's how I feel like I'm being treated. I know he's not meaning to make me feel like that. I wish I felt like he listened when I talk to him. I tell him this stuff...and he doesn't say much. I wish I could just get a glimpse inside his head but he says it's empty. Does he not have thoughts like this? Maybe he doesn't take the relationship as seriously as me? Maybe I take it too seriously? Who is the crazy one here?

I really didn't mean to write this much..it just wouldn't stop. I wish I had more to write about other than Ryan crap. Hopefully all the Ryan stuff will be sorted out soon and everyone can be happy. Oh well, writing this made me feel a little better and helped me stop crying. However, I think I started feeling better at the thought of maybe Sheena has tomorrow off. Maybe she'll take me to Chilis. Oh well..if she's working I'll force her to call out. I'm sure she won't object.

Work is crazy as heck with the 75 year old phamacist.. ugh, I don't even want to talk about it I'm so sick of it.  

I guess I can talk about school. I started school on Monday.. Spanish at the college then Psychology, English, and Computer class online. Spanish = mostly high school kids in the class. Thank God Ryan is in there with me. It's not bad however, I don't think I'll be as nervous talking in front of the class. It's alot better when I don't know anybody in the class and I didn't go to school with them since I was 6. English seems confusing as crap since the instructor is completely unorganized, Psych and Computer seem like a breeze though. I'm looking forward to it. I mostly finished all my assignments this week, even though they were very very easy. I've even had time to finish reading Angels and Demons, which I'm going to read some more right now.

Ahhh I feel alot better now.

I couldn't decide between them so I chose both.

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.
-Jacques Prévert

Waste no tears over the grieves of yesterday.
-Euripides

I feel like me and Ryan are slowly drifting apart. We are understanding eachother less and less. I feel like I'm the only one making an effort on trying to make our relationship work. I feel like he should be making a massive amount of effort to be making things work since I blame him on our big fallout anyway. Instead he has resulted to something that made me what to break up with him a few months ago. Maybe he wants to be rid of me?

I forgot my quote. I've come to really like this one:

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too controlling.

I didn't know what to say after that.. I just started at the blinking line for awhile. I don't know why he stays around. I mean, I wouldn't want to be my boyfriend. I say mean things sometimes. I don't mean to be like that. I think I just try to protect myself from getting hurt. I finally understand people and their "guards". I need to let my "guard" down. I used to not really understand that too much but now I've come to that position. I've found myself apologizing for being mean lately. I am sorry, but I can't really blame myself. Things are not perfect between me and Ryan. Alot of things have happened and I want to get everything fixed and back in place. When somethings bothers me I usually try to bring it up. I may wait a little bit for good timing but I usually get it before it eats me alive. In that aspect I have changed alot. I used to just bottled everything up inside and pretend everything was ok when it was not. But ever since our first big "fight" I find myself letting out my feelings more and more. And with our last "fight" I have held nothing back. I said everything on my mind and boy did Ryan get an earful. And since this most current fight things have not gone back to perfect yet but I have been letting him know when I'm sad and we've been talking it out little by little. However, Ryan is getting sick of talking about it. Sure, it is easy for him, since it's not on his mind like it is constantly on mine. But I need to keep talking about it..I need to be okay with everything. I need to accept everything. I don't just need to, I want to. I feel like I'm not getting help though. Ryan just wants to take it and bury it, but that is not what I want. And I've told him this but I don't think he understands. It is hard to describe how I feel, but basically I am just looking for help and understanding from him.  Anyway, Ryan used to have an addiction to World of Warcraft (gay). I wasn't too bright at the time and it was kinda of a blur, but I just know that it sucked at times. He lied about going to bed when he was really staying up until 4 in the morning. "I'm just laying in bed" Oh yeah, then why do I hear typing in the back? I never said anything about it, but I knew he lied. I didn't think much about it at the time since our relationship was still new but it had gotten to the point where he knew I was upset about things and he decided to quit playing. So yay, I didn't have to fight for his attention anymore and have to listen to his zoned-outness on the phone. I was excited. Over the past months we occasionally joke about it and I make fun of it, it's good times. Okay, I'm getting to the point... Now I guess he's decided to play again. I only knew this by reading his email, yes I will admit it, I have trust issues. He said he was going to tell me tonight before I tried bringing up other crap. If that is true, I don't know. Anyway, I don't know if he's installed it yet or not, cause when I talked to him earlier he said he has not yet. And then I kinda exploded on him. I realize now I might have gotten a little out of control. But I really couldn't help it, I just really really despise that game, and he knows that. And heres how I look at it...things are far from perfect right now..and he's decided to start playing this piece of crap again..the reason that we got into our first ever big fight? So you know..it just makes me a little mad. He knows I don't like it. Anyway...this is what led me to my first thought..Sometimes I wonder if I'm too controlling. Should he not play just because of me? Should it matter that he disregarded my feelings on it and decided to install it? Do I have any right at all to make him feel bad about this? Would he even care? Should I just completely stay out of it? Did I turn this into too much of a big deal? Should I really listen to other peoples opinions and advice? Should I hack into his computer and delete it? HEHEHE I think so. Anyway, I was trying to think of a scenario where we could swap places but I couldn't come up with a real one. But lets just say I turned into this massive pothead and it started making Ryan upset so I stopped for good. If I knew it was upsetting to Ryan, why would I ever want to start again? My scenario may be a little more extreme than Ryans real one but I dunno..I'm just saying. And no I'm not a pothead.

Phew, this day has certainly given me a headache. Good thing I watched that cute movie and had a whoopie pie.